Hillbilly Colloquialisms or Idioms, Whichever You Prefer

I’m not real sure if what follows is a list of colloquialisms or idioms.  Based on the definitions of those two terms it seems they can be either.  Maybe they are both, or maybe it just doesn’t really matter.   A real hillbilly wouldn’t know the difference anyway, nor would he care.

The fact of the matter is that these phrases or expressions are inexplicably part of my vernacular.  I don’t know why but I like using them.  I guess I think they are colorful and sometimes just fun.  Certainly they are economical in that they often times say a lot in just a few words.  Some make you think, others don’t really seem to make any sense.

I’ve picked these up over the last 50 plus years from all sorts of sources.  Many of them cam from my Dad; who is quite possible the world champion in their use.  Other family members have contributed some to my repertoire; with still others picked up from TV shows and movies.  Some I’ve even made up myself.   It seems when one strikes my fancy it sticks in some deep dark place in my brain only to spill forth as part of my everyday speech.    So engrained are they that I can’t seem to repeat them at will.  They just seem to pop to the surface when the circumstances warrant their expression.

What ever their origin, or why they seem to be a part of my language,  they do seem to reinforce the fact that I am a hillbilly.  I don’t suppose that a person of refined sensibilities would allow themselves to use such common expressions.  But, that’s ok with me; I am what I am.  And, it seems my family members like them and get a kick  out of me uttering them at the most unexpected times. Which brings me to giving credit for the topic of this blog.  My nephew Bryan thought it would be fun for me set about listing all of my “sayings”.  That seemed appropriate for this blog and I thought it might be fun.  What I didn’t realize is that I have more than 130 of them!!  (I’ve listed only 114 due to the graphic/adult nature of a few; those that I should really eliminate anyway).

Its taken awhile but with the help of my children and my wife I’ve got my list.  As I’ve already mentioned, I can’t dredge these up at will….they just happen.  Making the list was actually rather comical.  I’d be in the middle of a conversation when suddenly one would spring forth and I would say “there’s another one”  and run to jot it down before I forgot it.   This reoccuring behavior became the entertainment for the Curtis Family Christmas. 

I suspect this list will be somewhat fluid, or at the very least may grow over time.  Not only because I continue to add new ones from time to time but I suspect there are a few more buried away in my little hillbilly brain and will seep out eventually. 

1. Harder than hammer hell
2. Her butt is two axe handles wide
3. Can’t hit bull in the butt with a handful of rocks
4. Tighter than a banjo string
5. Tighter than a bulls butt in fly time
6. So tight he squeaks when he walks
7. Looks like two puppies fighting under a blanket
8. Eyes look like two pee holes in the snow
9. Colder enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey
10. Like ugly on an ape
11. Like a duck on a June bug
12. Like white on rice
13. Bigger than barn
14. Dumber than a bag full of hammers
15. Dumber than a stump
16. Dumber than a box of rocks
17. Slicker than deer guts on a door knob
18. Knocked the snot bubbles out of him
19. Hit him so hard it killed his relatives
20. Knocked him into next week
21. I feel like I’ve been sucked through a knot hole
22. I Feel Like I’ve been shot at and missed, shit at and hit
23. Clumsy as a bull in china shop
24. Drunker than a monkey
25. Happier than a pig in poop
26. Sweating like a whore in church
27. Sweating like horse in heat.
28. Shaking like a dog poopin peach seeds.
29. Older than Methuselah
30. Can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch  
31. Older than dirt             
32. Hotter than a depot stove         
33. Hotter than a two pecker billy-goat
34. Colder than a witch’s titty
35. Like stink on poop
36. Like water off a ducks back
37. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
38. Not the brightest bulb in the box
39. The lights are on but nobody’s home    
40. One fry short of a happy meal
41. Nothing parties like a rental
42. Not the sharpest tool in the shed
43. “O” dark thirty
44. Darker than the inside of a cow
45. Balder than a peeled egg
46. Finer than frogs hair
47. Like a bump on a log
48. Like fallin off a log
49. Deader than a door nail
50. Faster than stripe assed ape
51. Is a frog’s ass water tight?
52. Yeah, and if a frog had wings his ass wouldn’t bump the ground.
53. Crazier than a loon
54. Don’t get you panties in a wad
55. Don’t get your boxers in a bunch
56. Piece of cake
57. Champagne taste and a beer budget
58. Fatter than tick
59.  Tighter than tick on dogs ear
60.  Don’t let your battleship mouth over-ride your rowboat ass
61.  Tongue is loose on both ends with a spring in the middle
62.  Don’t piss on my shoes and tell me its rainin
63.  Don’t count your chickens before they hatch
64.  When hell freezes over
65.  Between a rock and a hard place
66.  You’re just beatin a dead horse
67.  He/she is like a fart in a skillet
68.  That ought to go over like a turd in a punch bowl
69.  Dropped him like a bad habit
70.  ½ inch short of being as big around as he/she is tall
71.  Meaner than a junk yard dog
72.  Meaner than a snake
73. Been to 3 world’s fairs and goat rodeo and I ain’t ever seen anything like that
74. Slower than molasses in January
75. Lazier than a pet coon
76. Weirder than 3 dollar bill.
77. Higher than the balls on a giraffe
78. Breath like a buffalo fart
79. Useless as tits on a boar hog
80. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger
81. If I was any better I’d be twins
82. Like a bat out of hell
83. Busier than a cat burying poop
84. So busy he/she doesn’t know if he’s on foot or horseback
85. If ifs and buts were candied nuts oh what a Christmas it would be
86. Its raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock
87. Let’s get this rat killin underway.
88. Give away your ass and shit through your ribs.
89. Hell bent for leather.
90. Uglier than a mud fence
91. How do they make it so good and sell it so cheap
92. Slow down you’ll get a more harmonious outcome
93. Its time to open a can of whoop ass.
94. He shit like a Christmas goose
95. Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills the fastest.
96. Neat as a pin
97. I feel the need for speed
98. You can’t possibly know how little I care.
99. Hotter than the hubs of hell
100. I’ve heard ducks fart underwater before
101. Colder than a well digger’s butt in a Klondike
102. That looks like 4 lbs of poop stuffed in a 3 lb bag
103. I don’t give a fat rat’s fanny
104. Tighter than the skin on a hot dog
105. Jerked him slack jawed
106. Jerked a knot in his tail
107. I’ve got a hitch in my get along
108. That’s like pushing a watermelon through a garden hose
109. I’m all in but my shoe laces
110. Beat him like a red-haired stepchild
111. You’ll go to hell as quick for lyin as you will for stealin
112. Its time to fish or cut bait
113. Time to shit or get off the pot.
114. Shut your pie hole