We Deer Hunters are a gullible bunch!

I am a deer hunter and I proclaim that proudly.  I take my deer hunting seriously to the point of obsession, just ask my wife.  But, I have to admit that my deer hunting brethren are truly a bunch of gullible chumps.  Hunting gear manufacturers have us figured out and we’re buying up their worthless merchandise faster than they can make it.

An entire hunting gear industry has sprung up over the last 10 years.  We now have hunting catalogues that rival the old Sears and Roebuck of yesteryear.    You can buy online anything from a camo hankie to a decals big enough to cover an entire Chevy Suburban.  Hundreds and hundreds of items of every color, size and description.  Most of which have zero value in the deer woods.    Proof positive that hunters are truly gullible.  So I’ve decided to make a list of my top 10 most ridiculous items that when bought move a hunter straight to chumpdum.  Some of these are ridiculous because they don’t work and cost an insane amount of money.   The others simply go past ridiculous straight to hilarious.

1.) Scent Lok clothing.   This company gets the Academy Award for marketing.   These folks have convinced a whole bunch of  hunters that they have invented clothing that keeps the hunter from being smelled by deer and thereby justifying charging twice as much for their product. Come on folks, do you really think that a suit of polyester/nylon clothing (last time a checked polyester  and nylon are both porous) impregnated with activated charcoal keeps your human scent confined.  The stuff just doesn’t work.  By the time I get to, and up in my tree stand I’m lathered up like a thoroughbred that’s just completed the Kentucky Derby.  There is no way that a piece of clothing is going to keep my human scent confined.  I am particularly amused by guys (and girls) that just buy a Scent Loc jacket.  What about your head, face, neck, crotch, legs, feet etc?  What about your breath?  What happens if you just happened to have eaten beans for dinner the night before….if you can smell it so can the deer.   Did I mention that deer have a sense of smell 100,000 times more sensitive than a humans?     

2.)  The “Butt Out” tool.  Ok, this is not the most pleasant thing to describe but once a deer has been killed there is the dirty job of having to remove its entrails.  If  you have any sense of anatomy you probably know that the intestines are ultimately attached to the orifice from which poop exits the body.  Well, that orifice has to detached, pulled free and discarded with the rest of the guts.  Some rocket scientist figured out that a barbed tool that is designed to be inserted into said orifice and then effectively used to pull the intestines out to be sniped off, would be attractive to hunters.  (I guess, I’ve never used one of these tools).   Since the first time a man killed a deer and removed its insides this problem has been dealt with.  Do we really need a $10 piece of plastic to assist the process.  If this seems too ridiculous to be true, just Google “Butt Out Tool” and you find hundreds of listing for it…even You Tube videos.   (Yes, can you believe someone actually did a “how to” video of this amazingly stupid device.

3.) Pile-o-Korn.  In some states it is legal to use bait to attract deer; in other states it is illegal (the debate on the ethics of baiting will have to wait for a future blog).   By far the most popular bait for deer is shelled corn.  So, what do you do if you hunt in a state where baiting is illegal.  Well you buy a “Pile-O-Korn”.   A plastic gizmo molded to look like a pile of shelled corn.  Really, someone actually went to the trouble to create a mold to make these.  What is more amazing is some one bought it.  Again, don’t believe me?  Check it out http://www.southernideas.com/pileokorn/.

4.) The “Cough Muffler”  This is a gizmo that you cough in to so that deer can’t hear you.  Of course no other animal, human or otherwise, ever coughs so a deer would certainly know there was a hunter in the woods.  Even it they could distinguish the difference, why not just bury your mouth in gloved hand or shirt sleeve.  Besides, with binos, range finder, grunt tube and other necessary paraphernalia who has room for another frivolous device hanging where it can be accessed at a moments notice?  

5.) “The Deer View Mirror”.  One of the keys to deer hunting is to see them before they see you.  Deer have a keen ability to see movement so someone deduced that if you could see what is behind you without turning your head there is a better chance that a deer won’t see you move.  Of course, the light glinting off the mirror won’t be a dead give away.    Not to mention the movement it would take to continually redirect the mirror to the proper angle to see a deer approaching from the right instead of the left…or vise versa.

6.) Fake Deer Poop.  One of the foremost hunting accessory marketers, a company called “Primos” started selling little round pellets that are intended to mimic deer poop.  This one makes me giggle even as I write this.  It’s intended fool a deer into thinking there are other deer in the neighborhood, (the deer live in the woods 24/7; wouldn’t they already know there are other deer living there?).  Two additional problems I see with this product: a.) there is deer poop everywhere in the woods so why would one more pile make that big of a difference and b.) if you really want to strategically place deer poop why not just gather up some of the real stuff…its free!  You must be asking yourself does anyone  really buy fake deer poop?  Regrettably, deer hunters are chumps so the answer is yes.

7.) Fake deer feeder sound machine.   In those states where baiting is legal, I understand that deer can become conditioned to the sound of the motorized deer feed dispenser.  So, in what is adding insult to injury, someone has invented a gizmo that just sounds like a deer feeder motor but hence no food is being dispensed.    What doesn’t make sense to me is that the deer are a not attracted initially to the sound of the feeder, they are attracted to the corn that is dispensed.  If there is no corn, then the sound of the deer feeder motor would have not have an attraction to the deer thus making a fake deer feeder sound machine worthless.  What makes the people who buy these things even bigger rubes is that the gizmo that makes the fake deer feeder sound costs more than a real deer feeder motor.

8.) Gum-o-flage:  Yep, someone invented gum to camouflage your breath.  I’ve never tasted it so I can only imagine what flavor it must be.  Does it make your breath smell like acorns, or corn, or maybe deer breath (maybe the fake deer poop people and the Gum-o-flage people should get together)?  I think I’ll go the old fashion route…tooth brush and tooth paste.

9.) The Kruncher deer call.  This gizmo is supposed to sound like another deer eating acorns or corn… or something else crunchy.  I know that deer have really good hearing but do they really “listen” for another deer chewing?    This does not even factor in that about 99% of a deer’s diet is soft mast like leaves, grass etc.

10.)  Last but not least, New Camo Patterns.  Every year dozens of camouflage clothing manufacturers create new camouflage patterns to fool deer even more than the pattern they produced last year, and of course charge more than last year’s unbeatable new pattern.   Back in the day deer hunter camouflage clothing consisted of a black and red checked wool jacket and a pair of army surplus wool pants.  Somehow, they managed to successfully kill deer…and there weren’t nearly as many deer then as there are today.  Yet, hunters insist on buying new camos every year just so they have can have the newest best camo so they can better fool the wylie whitetail deer.

When will we ever learn?!


One Response to “We Deer Hunters are a gullible bunch!”

  1. TWH Says:

    Good post. I’m glad to say I haven’t been suckered into any of these gimmicks, but then I didn’t shoot a deer this year so maybe I ought to buy up a bunch of fake poop and corn for next year.

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