Hillbilly Colloquialisms or Idioms, Whichever You Prefer

I’m not real sure if what follows is a list of colloquialisms or idioms.  Based on the definitions of those two terms it seems they can be either.  Maybe they are both, or maybe it just doesn’t really matter.   A real hillbilly wouldn’t know the difference anyway, nor would he care.

The fact of the matter is that these phrases or expressions are inexplicably part of my vernacular.  I don’t know why but I like using them.  I guess I think they are colorful and sometimes just fun.  Certainly they are economical in that they often times say a lot in just a few words.  Some make you think, others don’t really seem to make any sense.

I’ve picked these up over the last 50 plus years from all sorts of sources.  Many of them cam from my Dad; who is quite possible the world champion in their use.  Other family members have contributed some to my repertoire; with still others picked up from TV shows and movies.  Some I’ve even made up myself.   It seems when one strikes my fancy it sticks in some deep dark place in my brain only to spill forth as part of my everyday speech.    So engrained are they that I can’t seem to repeat them at will.  They just seem to pop to the surface when the circumstances warrant their expression.

What ever their origin, or why they seem to be a part of my language,  they do seem to reinforce the fact that I am a hillbilly.  I don’t suppose that a person of refined sensibilities would allow themselves to use such common expressions.  But, that’s ok with me; I am what I am.  And, it seems my family members like them and get a kick  out of me uttering them at the most unexpected times. Which brings me to giving credit for the topic of this blog.  My nephew Bryan thought it would be fun for me set about listing all of my “sayings”.  That seemed appropriate for this blog and I thought it might be fun.  What I didn’t realize is that I have more than 130 of them!!  (I’ve listed only 114 due to the graphic/adult nature of a few; those that I should really eliminate anyway).

Its taken awhile but with the help of my children and my wife I’ve got my list.  As I’ve already mentioned, I can’t dredge these up at will….they just happen.  Making the list was actually rather comical.  I’d be in the middle of a conversation when suddenly one would spring forth and I would say “there’s another one”  and run to jot it down before I forgot it.   This reoccuring behavior became the entertainment for the Curtis Family Christmas. 

I suspect this list will be somewhat fluid, or at the very least may grow over time.  Not only because I continue to add new ones from time to time but I suspect there are a few more buried away in my little hillbilly brain and will seep out eventually. 

  1. Harder than hammer hell
  2. Her butt is two axe handles wide
  3. Can’t hit bull in the butt with a handful of rocks
  4. Tighter than a banjo string
  5. Tighter than a bulls butt in fly time
  6. So tight he squeaks when he walks
  7. Looks like two puppies fighting under a blanket
  8. Eyes look like two pee holes in the snow
  9. Colder enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey
  10. Like ugly on an ape
  11. Like a duck on a June bug
  12. Like white on rice
  13. Bigger than barn
  14. Dumber than a bag full of hammers
  15. Dumber than a stump
  16. Dumber than a box of rocks
  17. Slicker than deer guts on a door knob
  18. Knocked the snot bubbles out of him
  19. Hit him so hard it killed his relatives
  20. Knocked him into next week
  21. I feel like I’ve been sucked through a knot hole
  22. I Feel Like I’ve been shot at and missed, shit at and hit
  23. Clumsy as a bull in china shop
  24. Drunker than a monkey
  25. Happier than a pig in poop
  26. Sweating like a whore in church
  27. Sweating like horse in heat.
  28. Shaking like a dog poopin peach seeds.
  29. Older than Methuselah
  30. Can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch  
  31. Older than dirt             
  32. Hotter than a depot stove         
  33. Hotter than a two pecker billy-goat
  34. Colder than a witch’s titty
  35. Like stink on poop
  36. Like water off a ducks back
  37. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
  38. Not the brightest bulb in the box
  39. The lights are on but nobody’s home    
  40. One fry short of a happy meal
  41. Nothing parties like a rental
  42. Not the sharpest tool in the shed
  43. “O” dark thirty
  44. Darker than the inside of a cow
  45. Balder than a peeled egg
  46. Finer than frogs hair
  47. Like a bump on a log
  48. Like fallin off a log
  49. Deader than a door nail
  50. Faster than stripe assed ape
  51. Is a frog’s ass water tight?
  52. Yeah, and if a frog had wings his ass wouldn’t bump the ground.
  53. Crazier than a loon
  54. Don’t get you panties in a wad
  55. Don’t get your boxers in a bunch
  56. Piece of cake
  57. Champagne taste and a beer budget
  58. Fatter than tick
  59.  Tighter than tick on dogs ear
  60.  Don’t let your battleship mouth over-ride your rowboat ass
  61.  Tongue is loose on both ends with a spring in the middle
  62.  Don’t piss on my shoes and tell me its rainin
  63.  Don’t count your chickens before they hatch
  64.  When hell freezes over
  65.  Between a rock and a hard place
  66.  You’re just beatin a dead horse
  67.  He/she is like a fart in a skillet
  68.  That ought to go over like a turd in a punch bowl
  69.  Dropped him like a bad habit
  70.  ½ inch short of being as big around as he/she is tall
  71.  Meaner than a junk yard dog
  72.  Meaner than a snake
  73. Been to 3 world’s fairs and goat rodeo and I ain’t ever seen anything like that
  74. Slower than molasses in January
  75. Lazier than a pet coon
  76. Weirder than 3 dollar bill.
  77. Higher than the balls on a giraffe
  78. Breath like a buffalo fart
  79. Useless as tits on a boar hog
  80. Busier than a one-armed paper hanger
  81. If I was any better I’d be twins
  82. Like a bat out of hell
  83. Busier than a cat burying poop
  84. So busy he/she doesn’t know if he’s on foot or horseback
  85. If ifs and buts were candied nuts oh what a Christmas it would be
  86. Its raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock
  87. Let’s get this rat killin underway.
  88. Give away your ass and shit through your ribs.
  89. Hell bent for leather.
  90. Uglier than a mud fence
  91. How do they make it so good and sell it so cheap
  92. Slow down you’ll get a more harmonious outcome
  93. Its time to open a can of whoop ass.
  94. He shit like a Christmas goose
  95. Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills the fastest.
  96. Neat as a pin
  97. I feel the need for speed
  98. You can’t possibly know how little I care.
  99. Hotter than the hubs of hell
  100. I’ve heard ducks fart underwater before
  101. Colder than a well digger’s butt in a Klondike
  102. That looks like 4 lbs of poop stuffed in a 3 lb bag
  103. I don’t give a fat rat’s fanny
  104. Tighter than the skin on a hot dog
  105. Jerked him slack jawed
  106. Jerked a knot in his tail
  107. I’ve got a hitch in my get along
  108. That’s like pushing a watermelon through a garden hose
  109. I’m all in but my shoe laces
  110. Beat him like a red-haired stepchild
  111. You’ll go to hell as quick for lyin as you will for stealin
  112. Its time to fish or cut bait
  113. Time to shit or get off the pot.
  114. Shut your pie hole

23 Responses to “Hillbilly Colloquialisms or Idioms, Whichever You Prefer”

  1. widereyes Says:

    I’m impressed at this list, Dad. John Mark and I got a good laugh. You will be happy to know that more than one of these has either crossed my mind or come out of my mouth on various occasions. Your legacy will live on!

  2. goathollow Says:

    Wow, I have a legacy!? Cool!!

  3. goathollow Says:

    Heah Les, how did you get the picture into your comments? All I have is something that looks like a poorly made quilt

  4. Blue Raider Says:

    Your list is great. Thanks for the memories. Any chance we can laugh at the other 16?

  5. how to take care of a puppy Says:

    how to take care of a puppy…

    […]Hillbilly Colloquialisms or Idioms, Whichever You Prefer « Jetsam of a Closet Hillbilly[…]…

  6. Psychics Says:


    […]Hillbilly Colloquialisms or Idioms, Whichever You Prefer « Jetsam of a Closet Hillbilly[…]…

  7. news Says:

    A insightful blog post there mate ! Thanks for that !

  8. Bill Says:

    The expression is “hotter than hammered hell”

  9. FancyNancy Says:

    My mama used to say a lot of these back in Missouri. the clean ones, that is.

  10. Craig Hooftallen Says:

    I’ll slap you bald-headed

  11. Craig Hooftallen Says:

    dumber than a bag of goat hair

  12. nikifiniki Says:

    Goathollow, thanks for these! I’m cracking up as these remind me of my dad so much. I remember a favorite that doesn’t seem to be on your list, whether or not it makes sense is another subject… “about as useful as a fart in a whirlwind”. Would that ever really be useful? Lol…thanks again for sharing.

  13. Dr. B Says:

    Sorry, I said that wrong. I’m as confused as a cow on Astroturf

  14. Robert Hinojosa Says:

    Crazier than a crippled piss ant

  15. Clarence Mason Says:

    “Tighter than a knatts ass stretched over a rain barrel.”
    “Dryer than a popcorn fart.”
    “Hotter than a fresh f*&ked fox in a forest fire.”
    “Dumber than well rope.”
    “I wouldn’t go to Cincinnati to watch a piss ant eat a bale of hay!”
    “That Dog won’t hunt.”
    “Works like a screen door on a submarine.”
    “Busy as a one armed paper hanger.’
    “Busier than jumper cables at a Hillbilly picnic.”
    “His elevator don’t go all the way up.”
    “He only has two speeds, Slow and Stopped.”
    “Flash light is so weak, you have to strike a match to see if it’s on.”

    And there are several others that Dad used but the PC police would lock him up for sure.

  16. Hornet Says:

    “You’re burning a hole is daylight.”
    “More ___ than Carter had liver pills”
    “You’re chances are between Slim and None, and Slim just left town”

  17. Zade Says:

    “I trust him as far as I can spit a dead rat.”
    “Dumber than a sack of hair.”
    “Colder than a well digger’s chicken.” (Don’t ask; I have no idea…)
    “The wheel’s still spinning, but the hamster’s dead.”
    “He’s got three brain cells and two of them are keeping his a*****e closed.” (or his heart beating)

  18. Bill Blaquiere Says:

    Go piss up a rope!
    Like pushing a rope.
    That’ll frost your bellybutton.

  19. Brenda Mohler Says:

    My Mother-In-Laws new saying is “Dizzier that a popcorn fart”.

  20. Charles Says:

    my personal favorite saying is…”I’m finder than a frog hair split down the middle and trimmed up on both sides!”

  21. Bob Franklin Says:

    “Crazier than a pet coon tryin’ to wash his hands in tartar sauce”. My old man always used that one (generally when referring to me).
    Here’s one I came up with, on account of useless co-workers:
    “about as handy as a push handle on a pull door”.

  22. Liz Collins Says:

    Busier than a one legged man in a butt kicking contest.

  23. Liz Collins Says:

    That went over like a pregnant pole vaulter.

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